so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
