you traded sex for a burrito?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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