So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
