I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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