Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
