Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
