I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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