you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
