I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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