On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
