just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
