there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
