I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
