Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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