I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
