Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
