my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
