I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
