STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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