why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
