Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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