I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
