Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
