There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
