My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We are all done wearing pants today
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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