I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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