Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
