I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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