I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
