i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
