I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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