: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
