Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
