8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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