Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Randomize
