Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
