how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
