please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize