A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize