My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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