I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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