it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
