Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
