I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
