i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
