im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
