I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
