I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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