i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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