I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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