When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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