i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
