dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
