I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize