i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
