brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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