So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
