I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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