I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
