Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
